4/29/11

Yesterday was kind of hectic. Doing all this new stuff at work is harder than I thought it would be. There is more work involved than I knew. I was flustered a lot. The day went by pretty fast though. My mood was anxious because of setting up the loads. I worked until 5:30 and then went to get my prescriptions and turned in my Dexedrine prescription to be filled to pick up tomorrow. Went home and caught up on MDJ. I hadn’t been able to do anything during work because I was too busy then.

Today I actually got up around 6:20. Way better than lately. I was really tired though. My eyes wanted to close. I sat on the couch for awhile before I got in the car to go. Let my medications kick in. I’m so glad I have Dexedrine. It saves me big time on waking up.

Today was even worse than yesterday. I was so busy that I hardly got anything done. Dealing with people needing credits, a load of bad product returned, being pulled here and there by everyone. It was a hard day. I hope I didn’t make any mistakes. Mary has helped me a lot. She’s done it for 7 years so she knows it very well. I’m thankful she isn’t just throwing it on me.

I picked up my Dexedrine after work and headed home. I was so glad to be home. I missed it. The quietness is fantastic. I like to be alone in my apartment. I have complete privacy and I’m so comfortable. Tonight I will probably stay up late, but I can sleep in so that’s good. I don’t have any plans for the weekend so it should be relaxing for me.

Today’s mood was anxious and a little bit of irritability. The irritability was from being interrupted so many times during the day when I was trying to get things done. I also was sensitive to loud talking and there was a lot of that going on. I tried to block it out as best as I could. Maybe I’ll venture out tomorrow. I’ll have to see what there is to do.

4/27/11

Today was a stressful day. I woke up and almost forgot I had a dentist appointment. I called work and left human resources a message and text Mary that I had a dentist appointment. I went to the appointment and my sister Nat walks in. She had an appointment at the same time. Weird coincidence. They filled my tooth and I’ve got to go back in June.

I went to work after that. Mary was covering my almond hulls that I took over from her. I put in orders today and did some billing. The orders take so long for me because I’m not familiar with the hullers that the product comes out of. Also on billing, I have to make tons of copies. The customer gets a copy of the weight cert., dairy tag, and freight tag. At the end of the day I organized my payroll tags for entry tomorrow and Friday.

There is a lot to this almond hull job that I’m now doing for the company. Lots to remember and do. I’m still nervous, but feel a little bit more comfortable than I did. I still have a lot to learn. I’m just glad I still have a job. I hope the payroll tags only take me one day so I can concentrate on the almond hulls Friday.

I went to the grocery store after work and then got gas. The money just likes to disappear from my bank account. I came home and got on the computer as usual and I balanced my checkbook. I paid some bills to be mailed out tomorrow. I’m glad I got that over with. It’s the end of the month.

I’m still up at 1:00 in the morning. Don’t know how much later I will be staying up. I should be in bed asleep by now. Sometimes I stay up all night, but it’s hard when you have to go to work. Here’s to Thursday, one day till Friday and relaxation!

4/26/11

Wow, I had a busy day today. I got to work around 7:30 and just was on the computer till 8:00. I billed out some loads. Mary turned everything over to me today. Sent out my IM ID and my email address to people I will be in contact with. I was really nervous.

I made it through the day somehow. I’m still unsure about some stuff, but I will ask Mary about them. I bugged her with questions all day long. She’s probably going to get sick of me sooner or later. It’s a lot of work though to do. Especially when almond hull season starts up. I guess I have a lot to look forward to. Yeah, right. I’m so happy to have a job though in this economy. I’m not going to complain much.

I talked to B last night. He was playing WOW as usual. Just seeing how he was doing and how work was. We’ve been spending more time with each other. I went over there on Saturday night and then on Sunday for a bit too. That’s the most I’ve seen him in months two days in a row. We really do have a weird relationship. It works for us though.

My mood was stressed today. I want to be doing a good job and I hope that I will be. Tomorrow I’ll repeat today and try to get a bunch of billing done. The end of the month is coming up soon. I have to have all the billing in before end of month. I also have my payroll entries I need to do on Thursday and Friday. I can’t believe it’s already Wednesday tomorrow. Time is flying by.

Nat called tonight, but I wasn’t in the mood to talk really. I’m sleepy tonight for some reason. We talked about Easter and what we did on Sunday. She was telling me all the doctor appointments she is having to go to for my niece. So, I got to hear her complain a little bit. That’s okay though, I love her. I think I’m headed to bed.

4/25/11

Back to work today. My weekend was okay. Saturday I just kicked it at home, then later I went to B's and watched a movie. Couldn't sleep, so I went home around 3:00 am. Was able to sleep in my own bed just took a little to get there. On Saturday I did leave the house to get my niece a purse for her birthday.

Sunday I got up late since I couldn't sleep at B's and was awake at home for awhile. I got all my stuff together. I had presents for my sister and two of my nieces to take with me. I drove the hour to my dad's house and none of my sister's were there yet. One didn't end up coming at all. So, it was just one of my sisters, my dad and step-mom, step-brother and the kids. My sister and I hid eggs. Then had them search for them. It was okay I guess.

I left around 5:00 so I wouldn't have to drive in the dark, plus I was beyond ready to go. I got to Fresno and B called and wanted me to come over, so I went straight there. We watched some t.v. then he fell asleep, so I decided that was enough for me. Headed home to my sanctuary and my computer. I was so happy to be home. I love my apartment with no one to bother me.

I was up till 1:00 this morning for some reason. Finally fell asleep and didn't want to get up this morning as usual. I got to work at 7:20 and then didn't do too much. Finally Mary had me sit with her for awhile to show me some stuff. It's a lot of work what she does. It's going to take some time getting it down. I hope I get it quick. I want to know what I'm doing.

I had to go to the store after work, no milk or anything to eat. Didn't go to the big grocery store, but I need to. That will be on my list for this week soon. So, now I have something to eat. I've got to start doing my pilates because I'm gaining weight. I hope to start that this week too. My day was pretty good. I didn't feel irritated or anything which is good. Ingrid wasn't there today though and I had to give the receptionist her breaks and it's not my week to do that. Hopefully soon I will be able to not have to do it anymore. I'm going to be busy and that's a good reason to not do it. I will have to talk to human resources.

4/22/11

I haven’t written in a couple of days. Guess I’ve been sidetracked. Work was okay this week. I didn’t have a whole lot to do, but I enjoyed it. Just doing whatever during the day. No pressure or anything to get anything done. Just my payroll, but that was fairly easy.

Next week though, I will be setting up loads for almond hulls, almond shell, almond hull & shell, and pollinators. I will be nervous, but it’s got to be done. I need to learn it. Since I’m going to be the one that will be setting up the loads, billing the customers, and paying the bills for that commodity.

I’ve been feeling okay. I have been tired though. Maybe I need to have my psychiatrist up the dose or see what he has to say about it. I haven’t been irritable or anything, so that is good. I’ve been keeping a mood chart online. Moodchart.org is the name of the site. It sends you an email everyday to chart your mood. That’s the only way I remember to.

I got off work today at 12:00 because it’s Good Friday. Nice little perk we have at work. We really are spoiled there. If we had a lot of work, we were supposed to stay till we got it done, but everyone left at noon.I came home and took a nap. Waking up from a nap sure leaves you groggy.

Tomorrow, Saturday I am doing nothing. Sunday, Easter I’m going to go to my dad’s and have Easter lunch. The kids are going to go on a egg hunt I’m sure. My step-mom likes to do that kind of stuff. I’m not really feeling like going, but I feel obligated to, so I’m going. I probably won’t stay real long though since I don’t like driving in the dark. Maybe about four hours or so.

Nothing is going on tonight either. I figure I’ll try to stay up late on the computer. It’s so hard for me to stay up now though. I get so tired. It might be the Amantadine since ever since I started taking it I’ve been tired in the night. It’s good though because that’s when you should be tired. I like staying up late though some nights.

I’m all caught up on MDJ and DS. Now it’s going to go slow because it’s the weekend and people don’t post as much then. I always like to see the questions and stories that people have. I try to help anyway I can by supporting them and giving suggestions.

4/19/11

I didn’t get a whole lot done today. Mary was too busy to train me, so I just did whatever, got on MDJ and DS. I gave the receptionist her breaks. I did show Emily, the girl I was covering for the rail cars. How to process them. I also met with Randy the merchandiser for all the almond commodities which I will be taking over. He just gave me some of the basics. Said I could ask him anything. He’s nice. I’ve always liked him.

I got up at 7:00 and at work by 7:40. I only stayed up till about 10:00 last night, but it was still so hard to get up. Still working on that motivation thing. Maybe I need the dose raised on the Amantadine. I will have to ask my psychiatrist when I see him on the 4th.

I came home and took a little nap from 6:00-7:00. Guess I was tired. My sister Nat called and talked to me for half an hour. Then my dad called me to invite me to the house for Easter. I guess I’m going to go. I haven’t been by there in awhile. I just leave before dark because I don’t like driving in it.

Talked to my sister Julie and she is doing good. She’s helping out my other Sister’s boyfriend by organizing his office for some extra money. Good for her. She needs all she can get. I’m happy for her because she got all new cabinets and countertops.

Tomorrow I will see if I’m going to get in any training. If not, I’ll organize my payroll entry stuff for entry on Thursday. I’m still going to do this even with the new job. I hope it’s not too much. I really enjoy doing it. I call it my baby. I don’t want to have to give it up.

The weekend is only days away and I’m already looking forward to it. I think we get half day off on Friday for Good Friday, but I’m not sure. We usually do every year, but who knows, it could have changed. I’m betting we do have it off. My Saturday will be relaxing, so that is good. Just have to get through this week. I may not be able to train for the new job till next week with our schedules.

4/18/11

I didn't go to sleep until 2:00 am. Don't know why, just didn't want to go to sleep. It got the best of me though and I finally did. I didn't wake up till 7:30, too late, but I did get to work by 8:00.Don't know how I pulled that one off. The traffic wasn't too bad, that must have been why.

I'm not doing much today. I am trying to wrap up anything that I have from the molasses department that I am leaving. I think tomorrow will be the day I will ask for more work and hopefully will find out what I'm going to be  doing. I need to get in and show Emily how to do the rail cars today.

Okay, just got out of a meeting with Glenn and Marsha, the controller and human resources lady. I'm going to be getting my own commodity at work. Almond hull, almond shell, anything to do with almonds. This is a big task and hopefully I can do good on it. I'm a little excited and a little scared. I just hope Mary, who does almonds now trains me good on what to do. At least she will be around to ask questions to. I don't know how happy she is giving it up, but it is what it is. I still have to do the drivers payroll though too. That's been part of my job for years here.

Today is going by pretty quick for me considering I don't have a lot to do. Tomorrow I start training with Mary. I am going to have to show Emily how to do the rail cars tomorrow now because she is too busy to learn today. Hopefully that won't cut into my training time for almond hull and shell. So, I'm one of the coordinators now. Big responsibility. I'm responsible for all the loads going out and coming in. I don't have to set up trucks though. That is the dispatcher's job. Mary is going to be back up dispatcher for her.

I'm feeling okay today. A little tired because I went to bed so late last night, but pretty good. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight. I'm going to have a lot on my mind with this new position I'm going to be doing. I'll go home today and catch up on MDJ and DS. My usual daily schedule. Think about things that will have to deal with work. I'm just so happy I'm not getting fired. I was anxious because I didn't know what all the secrecy was about. I feel better now. Relieved. I wonder if I'll get a raise anytime soon. That would be nice.

4/17/11

Nat had mentioned heading up the hill to see our other sisters last night, but today I don't feel like it. It's the drive there and back that really gets me. It wears me out and I don't stay long because I don't like driving at night. Those lights of the oncoming traffic really screws me up and also the lights in the rear view mirror mess up my eyes.

Woke up today at 9:30 this morning. I slept for about 10 hours. That much sleep is just ridiculous to me. Anyway, I didn't plan on doing anything, but did go and do my laundry at about 2:00 this afternoon. It wasn't too crowded, so it wasn't too bad. I don't mind doing it when there aren't very many people in the laundromat. If it's full, you have to fight for dryers and folding tables. It's quite irritating.

I'm caught up on MDJ today and also on DS. B called me on his way home. He spent the night in Visalia where his friend Chris lives. They went to roller derby out of town. Chris is the coach for the Derby Dames located in Visalia. I guess he decided to watch some movies with Chris and spend the night even though he said he wasn't. That's one thing about him. You never know what he is going to do. Sometimes he lies too. I just don't know if I can trust him. That's one obstacle in our relationship.

Just kicking it today trying to stay entertained with the computer. I tend to run out of things to look at on the internet and then I get bored. I am that way right now. My mood is pretty good. No stress like work or anything. I'm still in the dark about what I will be doing at work. It makes me anxious to no end. The secrecy is the intimidating thing. I hope I enjoy what I will be doing as long as I don't get fired. I don't think that will happen but you never know.

Watched the movie Dear John. It was okay. My sister was raving about how good it was. I cried in it, but was kind of disappointed. I don't know what happened at the end. If they were together or not. I just thought it would be better than it was. Nothing like The Notebook in how good it is. A walk to remember was also a great movie. I watched it on Netflix. B has an account and I'm able to watch movies on my computer there.

4/16/11

I felt great yesterday afternoon. I think maybe it was the Amantadine kicking in. I hope so anyway. I took a nap last night from 6:00 to 7:30. Just laid down for a little while and I ended up falling asleep.

I woke up today at 7:00 am. That’s strange for a weekend. I’m usually sleeping in till at least 10:00. So I got 9 1/2 hours of sleep last night. Better than 11 hours. I want to start trying to make myself get up early. That way I can get to work early. I don’t know if this will happen, but it’s worth a try.

I emptied the dishwasher and cleaned up the kitchen and also cleaned up the bathroom a little bit. I took the trash out and filed some of my papers in the file cabinet. This is why I think the Amantadine is working. I usually don’t do anything but sit on the computer.

I believe my depression is lifting too from this medication. That would be awesome if it went completely away. I hope this medication is all it’s cracked up to be and works well like this all the time. Since I’m not on Topamax anymore, I should be able to think better.

I talked to B last night. He is going with Chris, his friend to a roller derby event out of town. He really doesn’t care for the roller derby, but wanted to spend time with his friend. I never get invited to go anywhere with them. I can’t seem to relate to them though. All they really do is drink and I don’t do a lot of that unless I’m out with friends usually. I’m not a home drinker. 

Talked to my sister on the phone for about 2 hours and just answered posts on MDJ and journals on DS. Pretty uneventful night really. I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a feel good day for me. I really hope this Amantadine is working for me. I did feel a little more energetic today.

4/15/11

I slept till 7:10 today and then had to rush around to get to work on time. What the hell is my problem? I really need to work on this. I sleep way too much to be so tired in the morning. I sleep 9-12 hours every night. Sometimes 15 on the weekends. That is more than enough sleep in my opinion.

Work was okay. I did my reports for PN payroll this morning. I also did some small things like freight. I was done early though. I got on MDJ and DS. I answered posts and commented on journals. I’m all caught up for now. The weekends are usually slow for MDJ. Probably won’t have a lot to do this weekend.

I left work and stopped to get some cereal and milk. I always eat frosted mini wheats. It’s one thing I never get tired of. Anyways I got home and did my usual. Got on the computer and checked my support groups and answered posts. Facebook is so boring to me nowadays. I look on it, but don’t do a lot of posting there anymore.

Tonight is Friday night and my plans are to do nothing. This whole weekend consists of nothing. Nice. I’m looking forward to reading posts and journals. I even will write my own about me being on my medication.

The Amantadine has been making me tired lately. More tired than before I started taking it. Today though, I took my afternoon dose and I have a lot of energy. I wonder if it’s from the Amantadine. Maybe it just took a week for it to get in my system. I would love to have this energy everyday. I could get things done. My apartment would get cleaned and I’d care more about how I look. I will see tomorrow if it does the same thing.

I really hope this is the medication doing it’s job. I was losing faith in things to bring me energy. I’m tired of always being tired. Not wanting to do anything. Go anywhere. I want to be in a better mood and that is what I am now since I took that afternoon dose.

I was tired this morning, but this afternoon you know I had energy. My mood was pretty good, but I had some irritability. The room I sit in has like 8 people in there in little cubicles. The noise from people talking really gets to me and I have a problem concentrating. That was irritating me today. I couldn’t think because there was so much noise.

So, now I’m just hanging out here on my computer. Maybe I’ll find someone to chat with on MDJ or facebook. That will give me something to do since I don’t have anything else going on.

4/14/11

What a boring day this is. I'm tired and I don't think the Amantadine is giving me any energy or motivation at all. It's making me tired it seems. I will have to call my psychiatrist and bring this issue up with him. I keep thinking maybe it needs to get into my system, but it's a fast acting pill, so I should feel benefits from it by now. It's frustrating trying to get medications right.

Woke up late again. Imagine that! I need 10-12 hours of sleep it seems and that is too much in my opinion. I'm never refreshed when I wake up either. I'm still tired and ready to go back to sleep. Worked on freight and PN payroll and finished by like 3:00. The rest of the day I just worked on odd ball things that I have put off and was on the internet.

Came home after work and just did my usual. Computer, but I was so tired. I laid down around 6:00 pm and then woke up around 8:00 pm. I was tired enough to take a nap. B called me when I was laying down to go to bed. I think I fell asleep around 9:30 pm or so. I feel like the day is wasted when I sleep so much. I hate that I have to have so many hours of sleep.

4/13/11

Man, I just cannot get up in the mornings. Woke up after 7:00, but got to work at 7:45. I just don't know what my problem is. I used to be able to get up at 5:30 and get in the shower and be on my way. Now I have a hard time waking up at 6:30. I hit that snooze button over and over every morning and tell myself five more minutes. Turns into a half hour!

The Amantadine seems to be helping my depression, but not my motivation. I don't know what to do about it either. My psychiatrist should be calling me this week and I will have to ask him about this. Maybe an increase in my Dexedrine might do it. I don't know. I know that it's getting to me though. I never want to take a shower or clean still. It's a fight with myself. I did do the dishes the other night, but I made myself. I don't know that the Amantadine had anything to do with it.

My mood today is pretty good. I'm bored though. I'm working on my PN driver's payroll early this week. I'm not doing much else. The new girl has the billing and the girl that came back from maternity leave has the receiving. I have rail cars and freight. Actually Emily is doing the freight today. Interesting, she said she wanted me to do it. Fine by me totally. The more I get out of that department the better. Since I'm going to be doing a different job. Still don't know what that is though. Hopefully soon. They've got to give me some kind of idea what I will be doing.

Finished the day off and surprisingly it went by quickly for me. Tomorrow I have payroll entries plus some rail cars to put in, but other than that, I'm pretty much home free. Came home after work. Was so glad to get home for some reason. On my way home I had to stop at the grocery store and get some items, but I went to the smaller one. The big grocery store has too long of lines to deal with.

I'm not sure the Amantadine is helping me at all. I do feel less depressed, but the motivation thing isn't working. I still struggle to take a shower and clean the house. Maybe I have a high tolerance for drugs, I don't know. It seems like I need strong doses of medications for them to work. I think increasing my Dexedrine might help me out, but don't know if Dr. O would want to do that or not. It's a great drug at keeping me awake and focused. I will see what he has to say when he calls me this week. I may just have to tough it out till I see him next month.

4/12/11

Tuesday, going to be a boring day for me I think. I got up late as usual and got to work by 7:40 which is early still, so that was good. I chatted with the new girl to see if she was understanding everything. She said she was getting more familiar with it. Some things they are doing new now she wanted help on, but I don't know what it was that they made new, so I couldn't help her with that.

Going to need to get in the rail cars and pay the railroad today. They are complaining because they are late. We have a new system we are going to use though, so hopefully this will help us get out of finance charges. I still have not heard what they are going to have me be doing here at work. I'm not as anxious as I was, but am still a little bit. I just can't think of anything I could do unless someone gets fired or they come up with a whole new job. I know I will have to cover for a co-worker while she is on vacation, but that's not for a bit yet.

I'm kind of irritated today. People talking loudly is really getting on my nerves. I need to get some ear plugs or something. There is a couple girls that sit in front of me that talk all day long. I try to tune them out, but sometimes it's impossible. At least I'm not giving breaks to the receptionist this week. That phone isn't good for my irritability. I'm catching up on MDJ, but need to catch up on DS. Don't know if I will do that today or not. It will give me something to do.

I got through the day and now I'm tired and wanting to lay down again like yesterday. I'm going to try and not do that so I'm good and tired when I go to sleep. It was a long day to me. Especially with everyone doing stuff and me just doing the little bit of work that I have. Tomorrow I will organize my PN payroll envelopes to get ready for Thursday. That will keep me busy since Thelma brought them to me today.

My mood was pretty good today, except for the irritability that I got from everyone talking so loud in the room. It makes it so I can't concentrate. Other than that, I was fine.

4/11/11

Well, I woke up better than I have been this morning. Got up around 6:20 and was out the door by 6:50. Traffic wasn’t bad that time of the day. Got to work early, but didn’t clock in until almost 8:00 since I’m not as busy as I was.

Had a rough day at work. Had to get the rail cars in and had an issue with freight that I was working on for a long time today. It just drained me and gave me a headache. I told human resources that I’m going to be needing something to do soon and she said they will work on it. What that will be, I still don’t know.

My mood today was pretty good except for some anxiety and a little bit of irritability due to people interrupting me and all the stuff that I had to do quickly. The new girl seems to have things under control so far. I did a lot of filing too.

Came home and ate some cereal. I was starving today for some reason. I got on the computer for awhile and then decided I was too tired to be on it, so I laid down for awhile. That awhile turned into an hour and half. I must have been pretty tired. I’m still tired now. I don’t get why I need so much sleep. It doesn’t make any sense really. Most people wake up refreshed, but I never do.

I’m going to be working on freight tomorrow and doing more of the rail cars. That should keep me busy for awhile. I’m really curious to know what they will be having me do at my job though. I think a few people were in a meeting today about it, but I’m not sure. I hope it’s something that I do a lot, not bouncing around back and forth between different jobs. Guess I’ll find out soon enough.

4/10/11

I have a lot of anxiety about my job today. Hopefully it’s for nothing. I feel okay, need to get some things done around the apartment. Like clean something. I did get most of the kitchen done yesterday. Now I need to work on the other parts like the bathroom.

Woke up around 10:30 today must have gone to bed around midnight last night. So, I got 10 1/2 hours of sleep. That’s a bunch and I’ve been sleeping like that for weeks. Hopefully it’s just the depression and not a normal thing. I think that much sleep is too much. At least I didn’t sleep like 15 hours this weekend like last weekend.

I’m not caught up on my MDJ yet, but my sister Nat is on the phone with me and she usually talks for at least an hour. Not very productive when this happens. Can’t concentrate on reading when she is talking about everything. Oh well, I have all day to do that.

Caught up on my MDJ and even commented on journals. One of my sisters is buying a house and they have it, but are waiting for escrow to go through before they do any work on the house. I think that's only 2 more weeks. She's trying to get me to commit to painting when it does go through. I'm an awful painter, so I don't know why she is asking. Plus it all depends on how I feel.

I didn't go anywhere today. I should have done laundry, but just didn't feel like it. I did take a couple of naps. I just laid down for a little bit and the next thing I knew I was asleep. I get so bored sometimes, and that is what happened to me. Even though I have lots to do, I find I just can't do it in one shot. Like cleaning. I have to do one room at a time. I'm just not feeling it lately. I hope this medication changes that around for me.

So, today I feel pretty good except for this anxiety that I'm having. I think anyone would feel this anxiety in my position. I just hope I still have a job. I can't think of a reason to be fired though unless I made a big screw up somewhere. I've done that before and it was a big one. I almost was fired for it, but they just wrote me up. I just want some answers from them. That's not a lot to ask in my opinion. I need to know what we are going to be doing with me if anything at all. I racking my brain trying to think about what other jobs I could be doing around there. I can't come up with any. Time will tell, but I think I will ask myself just to get this anxiety out of myself.

Tomorrow comes Monday, which means more training that I will be doing for the girl to take over my job that I had. She's going to be doing the easy part though. Just straight billing and taking orders. I don't know why they would hire someone for that when they had me doing it. That's why I'm wondering about it. So, training will be going on and I think I will try to clean up my desk a little bit. It's pretty messy. I've got envelopes of truck driver payroll to put away. I think it will not be a busy day. I'm going to have to ask for more work to do just to keep me busy. Wonder what they will have me do.

4/9/11

I feel a bit better today. Not so tired, but I did sleep in. I woke up at 8:00 this morning and took my medication, then went back to sleep until 11:00. That could be why I am not tired. I’m hoping it’s from the medication that I started taking though. I want it to work.

I went over to B’s last night for awhile and played with JB, the pug. He is so cute! When he started playing World of Warcraft though, I decided our visit was over and I’d go home and get on MDJ for awhile then go to bed. I don’t like watching him play that game because to me, it’s boring.

My mood is a little bit down today. Thinking about my job and what is going to happen there. It’s just weird because they have never been secretive like this before. Makes my anxiety sky high.

Went into Fresno today and got my hair cut. My normal every three week routine. Then went to get milk. That was the only place I went today. I may do some laundry tomorrow depending on the weather. No plans, not much money spent, relaxing weekend. I’m bored though. I think I will go read some journals on my support sites.

4/8/11

I am so tired of waking up late. It wasn't too bad, but still late. I got to work by 7:20, so that was good. I just wish I could get up after like 7-8 hours of sleep, not 10 hours. It's ridiculous that I sleep so much and am still tired. My mood today is still a little bit depressed, but better.

The Amantadine is making me sleepy. I thought it was supposed to wake you up, make you more alert, etc. I could fall asleep at my desk. It reminds me of when I was on Geodon. I would be so tired. I'm going to give it some time though. I'm not going to say nope, it doesn't work so soon. I want it to work real bad. Crossing my fingers.

The new girl is on her own with Emily helping her in the molasses room. She has only needed my help once today. I guess she's a fast learner. She doesn't have to learn all the transfers though and payables like i did. I was overwhelmed with information. It took me longer to learn the job because of this. She is picking it up though pretty good. I'm nervous about what my job will be. I hope I'm not getting fired. There really isn't a reason, but you never know. They won't tell me what I'm doing yet.

I'm glad I get to sleep in tomorrow. That is something to look forward to. Two days of it too and I don't have anything to do. I'm supposed to go to my sister's an hour away, but it snowed there and I don't drive in the snow. Plus I'm just not feeling it. I will have to see how I feel tomorrow. That plays a lot in what I do.

4/7/11

Really didn’t want to get up this morning. When do I ever, right? I did get to work before 7:30 though. That is a plus. I just couldn’t pull myself out of this fog that I had. I had it all day really.

The new girl that I am training was busy today, so that’s good. I didn’t have to deal with her too much. I worked on my truck driver payroll entries all day. I had to get them organized first then I entered them. I still have one more driver to enter for tomorrow. Then I can do the reports and applying off. Maybe get to work on some rail cars.

This new medication, Amantadine seems to make me sleepy. I have been sleepy all damn day. That fog I had too was probably from it also. I think my body probably needs to get used to it. Maybe then the tiredness will go away. It’s supposed to make you want to do things, not make you want to sleep. Will see in a few days where I’m at.

I got on MDJ today, but not as much as I would have liked to. I was busy. Couldn’t keep up with the posts. I’ll finish looking at those tonight. Sometimes I can just fly through my entries and sometimes it takes me awhile. I don’t know why that is. It does have a lot to do with my mood though.

Got home and on the computer and was just so tired. So, I laid down and next thing I know, it’s 7:30. I woke up and thought it was morning time and I was going to be late for work. Finally it clicked and knew that it was night time. I had only fallen asleep for about an hour and half. It must have been a deep sleep though. I could have sworn I was asleep all night.

I think I will probably stay up a little bit tonight because I took that little catnap. Should have kept myself awake, but I just couldn’t do it. I felt drained. Hopefully this feeling goes away in time.

4/6/11

Today is a tired day for me. Just can't seem to wake up. Got up at 6:40, not the ideal time to be getting up at all, but way better than 7:00 like I've done a few times. Got to work at 7:30 and made me some tea. Started working around 8:30. The new girl was putting together the weight certificates with the back up and organizing them. Then Emily was having her put in orders. So she was being kept busy. She leaves at 3:00 so there's only a couple more hours. The I won't have to worry about finding her something to do.

I'm not really feeling any different today. Maybe the medication my psychiatrist put me on takes a day or two to work. I sure hope so. He said it should work quickly though. By Thursday he said I should feel a difference. He is going to call me on Thursday to see how I am doing with it. Can't wait to see if this is going to work. I really, really hope it does.

I'm not really busy at work since everyone else seems to be doing my job. I'm still out of the loop with my future job within the company. I hope they aren't planning on firing me. That would not be good at all. It gives me a lot of anxiety when I don't know what I will be doing. Just tell me damnit! I don't get why it's such a big secret. It really shouldn't be. That's what worries me.

Spent day doing oddball stuff here and there. Checked my MDJ every now and then to try to catch up, but didn't have a chance to fully catch up while at work. I have payroll entries tomorrow. Hopefully that new girl will have enough to do. She should have loads to bill out since she's been putting them together the last day and half. They have her putting in orders too. I wonder if she will get overwhelmed.

Left work and came home to my computer. Chatted with a friend in MDJ for awhile. Chatten with another friend on Yahoo too. Nothing much going on though. Didn't call anyone or anything. Plan on watching Criminal Minds. That's a good show. I think they are all new too, no reruns.

I feel a tad bit better today. Maybe that Amantadine is working a little bit. Dr. O is calling me tomorrow to see how I'm doing and probably up the dose to normal dosage. I hope I feel even better tomorrow. Please let this pill help bring me out of this depression. I'm tired of it. I have my fingers crossed.

4/5/11

Woke up pretty late today. 8:30, but I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, so it was all good. Still had to rush though. I got to my appointment and we talked about how I have been feeling. I told him about still not wanting to shower, not wanting to clean, staying home on the weekends doing nothing. He said he could tell that there was something different about me. I was just blah.

He's taking me off the Topamax and lowering my Lamictal back to 300mg. We are trying out a new medication called Amantadine. He says it should really help with the depression and energy/motivation. I sure hope this is true. I was so excited to be seeing him today because I want a solution. I'm curios to see how this is going to turn out. I hope it really works for me. I should know if there is any progress in a couple of days. Yippie!

The new girl, 2nd day is putting things together to be billed out. Of course we can't bill until tomorrow, but she is getting it ready to go. She's asked me for stuff to do and I keep telling her to organize it a certain way. She's going to run out of things to do though. I'm out of things to do actually. It's going to be a long day I think. Tomorrow we will be able to bill these loads out. I will be able to do freight tags.

4/4/11

Didn't sleep last night, just stayed up on my computer. It did get a little boring for me, but I got through it. Got to work at 6:15 this morning so I could get some stuff done for end of month. I'm training the new girl today and I'm not looking forward to it. I hate training people. It's not my thing at all. She showed up at 8:00 and we got started around 8:15.

I showed her billing because I had a lot of billing to do, I mean a lot. I went slow at first so she could see what I was doing. Then had to start going fast so I could get it done in time. She eventually went in with Emily while I did the rest of the billing. When I was showing her things she was taking notes and asking questions. Kept losing my train of thought. I'm breaking the receptionist this week, so at 10:00 I had to give the receptionist a break.

I finish the billing and she came looking for stuff to do. I gave her stuff to print out. Then stuff to match up. I relieved receptionist for lunch and I guess she had lunch also and then I had lunch after. I gave her more paperwork to match up to keep her busy. In the afternoon, there wasn't much to show her because of end of month. We can't enter anything in April into our software system till the month is closed.

I put in A/P for the rest of the afternoon and fished out some back up for a customer and faxed it to her. She was very appreciative because no one has ever gotten on the ball like I did and got it done. Made me feel nice to know that. I finished everything for the end of month and hope I don't have any inventory problems. It usually happens every month for me.

Went straight home after work. Got on computer of course and read an email from a girl on MDJ. She was needing help with her bipolar baby's daddy. I responded. Talked to B. He was playing World of Warcraft as usual, so didn't talk to him long. I stayed up till about 10:00 then hit the hay. I'm surprised I lasted that long considering I had stayed up all night.

4/3/11

I went to bed around 5:00 this morning. I think it's because I had 15 hours of sleep on Friday night. I thought I was going to be up all night, but laid down and I was out. I woke up at 10:00 so I got 5 hours of sleep. Better than none. I was just on the computer. I got bored after awhile because no one was posting on MDJ and I had caught up on DS. I did write in my journal though.

I thought about taking a shower and going to the store, but don't know if I have it in me right now. This depression is kicking my butt. I talked to Nat twice last night for about an hour each time. Then she started IMing me on facebook. There was a friend IMing me too. I was irritable and annoyed that they were chatting with me so long and that my sister was on the phone so long with me. I just wanted to be left alone. Finally, around 2:30 I got peace from people.

I don't like the feeling of being annoyed or irritable. It's better than being depressed though. That's how I get when I'm hypo-manic. Very angry, irritable, have racing thoughts, and a little anxiety. I'm glad I haven't had that in awhile. Thanks to Abilify, I don't. Such a great medication to take. I could come Tuesday be on more medications than I am depending on the ideas Dr. O has for me since I'm still depressed. I already take six. I take 5 pills in the morning and 6 pills at night. Not too bad compared to others, but it's still a lot.

I'm dreading training that girl tomorrow. I will just have her watch me since it's the end of the month closing. I hope everything goes smoothly. I hope we can train at another desk too. Mine has too small of a space and she is a big girl. A lot bigger than I am. We both won't fit at my desk. I hate training. It gets on my nerves is what it does. I will be annoyed with someone over my shoulder all day watching me.

I'm nervous about what they are going to have me doing next. I wish they would tell me. Something new, I'm sure. Now I really am the jack of all trades. I want to do something I like though. Something that is interesting and catches my attention. Not something boring that I don't want to do. That wouldn't be good for me. I wouldn't want to do it very much. I want a raise for all I do. Can't ask for one with this economy though. If I have to do a lot of stuff though, then I will ask for one. We just got a $.50 raise for the heck of it, economy wise, but that's not much. I make pretty good money, but I have so many bills that I never see it.

I guess the rest of the day I will do nothing much. I didn't go to my sister's. I just didn't feel like it. I wanted my time for me. I always do. Maybe I'm a little selfish, I don't know. I do know that I have to take care of me though and do things that make me happy and staying home makes me happy and it saves me money too. I'm trying to save for my car repairs that I will most likely have. It's hard and will take a long time, but I will get there for sure.

4/2/11

I woke up today at 1:00 pm. That’s late, too late. I think I fell asleep around 10:00 last night. That’s 15 hours of sleep. Damn that’s a lot of sleep! Goes with depression though. Wish this shit would go away. Depression is no fun at all. Anyone with bipolar will tell you this. We get so low it’s ridiculous. Non bipolar people get depressed to, but not to the extent that we get. People just don’t understand.

Once I took my medication, I started feeling better. I woke up groggy with a headache. Had to take two Excedrin and it worked. My headache is gone now. So glad, I get some pretty bad ones. Just been on the computer so far. I’ve caught up on MDJ. Still need to catch up on DS though. I even replied to journals already on MDJ. Wasn’t too many people that wrote any.

I’m chatting with Kelly on facebook. I haven’t chatted with him in a long time. Him and his wife are having trouble again. That’s usually when I hear from him. He comes to me for guidance. I try to help, but I’m no counselor. It seems that she isn’t communicating and is growing distant towards him. It’s a sad situation.

John sent me texts too. I haven’t heard from him in quite awhile. He’s the one that is depressed because his girlfriend left him. He calls me his counselor. Why the heck does everyone come to me with their problems? I’m no expert on relationship that’s for sure. Guess I’m just a good person to talk to. I actually listen to people and talk to them about the situation.

I can’t believe how boring facebook has come. I used to be on that page for hours and hours. Maybe because I’m more into MDJ these days. I just don’t want to hear about everyone’s daily moves I guess. Some people put every little thing they do as their status. I don’t really care what people are making for dinner or where they are going for dinner or for a drink.

B came over for a little bit last night. He was getting something to eat and decided to stop by. It was good to see him since we don’t see each other all that often. He said he plans on playing his World of Warcraft as usual. He loves that game because he is so good at it. He’s gotten really far. He stayed for a bit and then headed home to JB the pug. Love that dog, he’s so cute.

I really don’t think that I am going to head up the hill to my sister’s this weekend. I’m just not feeling it. I don’t want to be around any people really. Maybe next weekend I will feel better after my psychiatrist and I figure out what we are going to do about my depression. I hope to start to feel better after this week. I have my fingers crossed that I do.

Yesterday after work I went to CVS and picked up my Dexedrine prescription. They were out on Wednesday when I picked up my other prescriptions, so I had to wait till Friday. I went home and got on my computer until I lost interest because I was tired. Laid down and was out like a light. Slept pretty good. Woke up a few times but fell right back asleep. Just slept way to long. I’m tired of sleeping so much. I miss out on my day.

4/1/11

Today is my niece’s birthday. She is the baby of my sister Julie. She in my opinion has ADHD. She can’t seem to sit still. No focus, doesn’t listen, can’t do only one thing at a time, etc. I hope she has had a good day. She really is a sweet girl. Now I need to go buy her a birthday present. I just bought three for my other niece and two of my sisters. Damn, everything is so expensive.

I got up at 6:30 again today so that’s good. I’m doing a little bit better. Maybe taking the Abilify at night was a good call. I will see in the future days. I did mainly put together billing to get ready to bill today. I did some A/P too. Checked MDJ throughout the day, but didn’t get to most of it till the end of the day.

There is going to be a new girl starting on Monday. She is going to be doing a lot of my job. I will be learning new things. I don’t know what that will be, but I hope it’s easy stuff. I don’t want to be overwhelmed anymore. I’m scared for what they have planned for me actually. Well, nervous really. I think anyone would be. So, I will be leaving the molasses department unless I will be putting in orders or something.

One of the things Marsha, the human resource lady mentioned was I will be helping Mary out. I told Mary this and she got all defensive. I think she doesn’t want anyone to know her job at all. I guess she’s going to have to teach me some of it though whether she wants to or not. She probably doesn’t want to give up the overtime too. I don’t want to give up my overtime either. I’m going to try to stay as busy as I can.

Dispatch is another thing I might learn. That is setting up all the trucks for our commodities to be delivered with. That is a hell of a job and no one likes doing it at all. The lady that does it is always stressed out. I’m not sure I want to learn that one, but I just may have to.

Angel still wants me to come up this weekend. I’m just not really feeling like it with this low grade depression. It’s not something I feel like doing and I shouldn’t be making myself do things I don’t want to do. Nat told me not to go if I didn’t want to go. So, if I don’t feel like it, I’m not going to go.

I can’t wait to see my psychiatrist on the 5th. I’ve been waiting for a couple of weeks. Since this depression isn’t going away, I’m curious what his ideas are of making it go away. I just want to feel better. That’s all I care about. I don’t want to get off the Abilify though. That medications has worked very well for me.

This bipolar sucks. I see so many people on MDJ going through medication changes and they can’t find the right medication mix and I feel so bad for them. Some have gone years trying to find that mix and they just haven’t gotten there yet. There are so many medications out there these days that something would have to work. One combination, but they have to just find it. I’m pretty high functioning for having bipolar. I’m lucky for that. I’ve always had a job and took care of myself.