Good morning everyone. It's Memorial Day, so Happy Memorial Day and thank you to the Military for keeping us free and safe in this country. I've had quite a week last week. Not a very good one either.
Last week, my feet and ankles swelled up for three days. I went to the doctor and she thought it might be my heart, kidneys, or liver so she wanted to run some blood tests. I don't have insurance now that I lost my job and it was going to cost $500 for the labs, so she told me to go down to the downtown hospital ER because they have a program for low income people. Either free or a share of cost depending on your income.
The next day, I went to the ER. I waited in the waiting room for 11 1/2 hours. I finally got called and was in the hallway for an hour, then they took an xray of my chest and drew blood. It took them four tries to get blood out. I hate getting poked with needles and it was uncomfortable. Finally they got the results and everything was normal. It put my mind at ease, but I didn't get out of there until 3:30 the day after I went in. Something like 15 hours I spent at that hospital. I got home around 4:00 and went to bed, but only for four hours.
The swelling is pretty much gone. They didn't know what caused it. Maybe I have salt retention, I don't know. It was weird though that it was in both feet and ankles. That is why the doctor was concerned. She didn't think it was a blood clot since it was in both feet and ankles. So, that was shitty. I hate waiting and it's a trigger for me.
On Friday, my boyfriend called me and talked to me. He'd been calling a lot lately. He never calls me hardly ever. I asked him if he still wanted to be with me because our relationship is not normal. It's very dysfunctional. We never see each other, hardly talk on the phone, and he doesn't ever think about me when he does anything, so he never invites me anywhere. There is a lot to the relationship that isn't right. I love him though. He told me he doesn't want a relationship and he's stopped caring about everything.
I've done everything I can to try to make him happy over the last 13 years of our on and off relationship and I guess I'm just not good enough for him. It always comes down to him not wanting to be together until he wants to be together again. It's a pattern that we have and I'm the one that always gets hurt. It hurts this time too, but I knew it was going to come. Ever since he told me he wanted a relationship again, I knew it was coming. It always does. He hurt me really bad the last time we broke up and I protected myself by putting up a wall, but it still hurts. We will remain friends. I just wonder when he will want to get back together. It always happens and I don't think I can do this again. I've been hurt too many times.
With school I got behind due to being in the hospital, so I had a lot of catching up to do this past end of the week. It was frustrating to say the least. I had to rush to get things done and make my participation discussions. I wasn't really into it either. It was just a bad week for me. My boyfriend, now ex didn't say anything about me being in the hospital. Wasn't worried or anything. Shows how much he cares about me. I'm getting mad is what I'm doing. This is a good thing.
This weekend I haven't done anything. Yesterday I slept most of it away. I can't afford my Dexedrine, so I don't have it for wakefulness and I'm tired from the Abilify. It sucks because now I'm tired all the time. It's $300 a month for my Dexedrine. I can't afford to pay that. Hopefully when I see the psychiatrist at the clinic they can get some for me somehow. I need it for concentration and focus as well as wakefulness. It sucks that I don't have insurance. I need to get on that program. I think I will go to the eligibility office tomorrow. I was supposed to go the night I was in the hospital, but it was so early in the morning that I didn't get to see the financial person for the hospital. I'm going to have to deal with this tomorrow hopefully.
I hope things start looking up. I've been depressed this weekend because of the boyfriend thing. I need to get over it though it's not that easy. I've invested a lot of time into this relationship and it sucks. I just feel I'm never good enough no matter how hard I try. It's an awful feeling to have.
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